|the true reformed, vegnautic* sect of the|
Invisible Pink Unicorn
founded in July 2000, 10 years after Her first computer-assisted revelation to non-virgins in 1990.
The New Revised Reformed Amalgamated Vegnautic* Standard Creed:
We believe in One (or More**) Unicorn(s), or fewer, The Pink, The Invisible. Creator of Uncertainty, Keeper of Chaos, our Maker, revealed unto us in the alt.atheist usenet forum. She that Raptures Socks, She will smite those that mock Her brethren. When heathens partake in baloney, she invites her loyal servants to join the feast. We shall eat our fill, yea every belly shall be full with pure, untarnished, unadulterated, suffer-free pizza. Her revelations show us the folly of all religions, our personal insignificance, the understanding of existence, and the importance of 42. Spread Her Word.
*Vegnautic: adj.1) following a diet of free-range and family farm raised animals (Freerangeatarian), or a vegan or vegetarian diet, because of personal moral or ethical beliefs OR 2) consuming products (not just food-stuffs) whose production does not directly cause human, animal, or environmental maltreatment. noun. A person, group, or diety that follows such practices as 1 or 2
**See the revelations of Cloe the profet, and Futurama: Bender's Big Score.
Who is this She anyway?
You've never heard of Her? The One true One. Her Horniness. She whose hooves many never be shod. Her Pinkness. ....Until the internet, She had only been seen by female virgins (because of an extreme sensitivity to all STD's, including clap, crabs, and cooties). In 1990 however, she revealed herself on the alt.atheism usenet forum (earliest known mention) and offered to be a symbol for intelligent atheists everywhere. She is, obviously, an invisible pink unicorn that allowed the creation of the universe through natural physical phenomena by not ever existing except in the minds of men (and women and aliens). She is happiest when people hold hands with each other instead of a cruel arrogant "deity".
How do we know that She is vegnautic, or expects us to be vegnautic?
There are several lines of evidence pointing the vegnautism of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. From her scriptures, for example, there is the suggestion that suffering is the one true evil:
"...And She sent hither to the Valley of High Grass those that ate upon the flesh of their fellows, for she had decreed that suffering was the one true evil, and they had caused suffering, and thus disobeyed Her Word." Equiness 4:19
from which the first definition of vegnautic arose. However, a direct quote of the IPU from her scripture reads: "Everything you ever paid another man to do, will be done to your daughter, to your wife, to your land, to your dog. The enslavement of your wife for her elivrat [diamond on her finger], the forced labor of your daughter for the Echshos on your feet, the defilement of your land for your Mernisuka [gas-guzzler], the incarceration and beating of your dog for the metus [chicken McNuggets] on your plate. Each fifotev [nickel] spent to pay another man for deeds you could not do will poison your soul five-fold more than the deeds themselves" Obviously the second definition of vegnautic is actually a more generalized version of the first. By attempting to purchase only products that were made or produced in a way that one could feel morally proud to produce themselves, vegnautics are able to "vote" for their beliefs. Capitalism supposes the one dollar- one vote system, but the majority of Americans want only to vote for cheaper. By doing so, they are in essence voting for child slavery, animal cruelty, and environmental destruction. Vegnautics choose otherwise. ...More Vegnautic Scripture and clarifications.
Is Mitt Romney a unicorn?
This is an important question that will require a little research and a lot of prayer to answer. The vegnautic sect of the invisible pink unicorn knows that Mitt Romney is obviously not The Pink Unicorn, or even One of The Pink Unicorns, but it is not clear whether perhaps he might be a regular unicorn. Much as there are angels in Chistianity, there are non-pink Unicorns in IPUism, and Mitt Romney might be one of them. And this is an important question, given that apparently unicorns are not eligible to run for president (I wonder if Angels are?). To start, it will be important to get a genetic analysis of Mitt, although it is likely that this genetic analysis is/was/has been/will be forged. Secondly, we will have to verify the virginity of Mitt's wife, as only a virgin maiden can tame a unicorn. This, of course, would mean that Mitt's children were born of emaculate conception, and are lilkely also unicorns.
We at the church of the vegnautic sect of the Invisible Pink Unicorn are thrilled at the renewed interest in the topic of prooving the non-existance of pink or non-pink unicorns, and we would encourage our followers to submit further tips or tests of Mr. Romney non-unicornism that he should be subjected to prior to being eligible to run for president.
How can I join, help, spread the message?
Check out: 10 steps to becoming a better Vegnautic (coming soon). Add an IPU link to your webpage. Spread Her word on forums. Send your revelations and spiritual stories to our site and we will post them. Read Douglas Adams. Buy cool paraphernalia from here.
May She forgive you for your sins and always be within you.
For questions, suggestions, notification of divine intervention, prophet submissions, or requests for links: Contact: PinkInvisible@gmail.com