Vegnautic Scripture

She wept for Her children in the bellies of Her children, for She had given them choice. “Ye brothers and sisters have not the ability to choose the toppings with which they adorn their sacred bread, because they form part of a larger cycle of which I gave you no knowledge. You, my sacred children, I gave the Ultimate Gift: the ability to sense the Ultimate sin, suffering. With this gift I expected you to choose the toppings to adorn your sacred bread, but you choseth poorly. Thou hast chosen to torture thy toppings, to kill thy brothers and sisters without regard to the Ultimate Sin. For this shame I shalt always be invisible, and thou shalt always be alone.” Genesis 42:52 

A note to the curious, the doubtful, and the open minded: The true Reformed sect of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU) is a revised version of IPU. Those that came before me as prophets spoke truly what they believed as the interpretation of Her Divine wishes, but they had not the complete open-mindedness to understand Her love and Her desires as I have. The prophets that came before, the holy prophet Tony Lawrence, the prophet Phillips, the prophet April and the lost prophetess of AOL, (blessed be they) to name a few, all understood the divine Wisdom of She Whose Hooves May Never Be Shod, but they had a greediness in their bellies fed to them by the purple oyster that blinded them to the whole of Her decrees. Thus the Holy Zebra came upon me, and spoke to me as the virgin prophet, in the holly land of Kenya. The story of the Virgin Prophet (which was me, but me no longer) is held within the book of Equiness, and you can read Her words in the book that She declared, through the words of the Holy Zebra, that I write. However, I feel as though I should quickly explain the clarifications She told me, as a virgin, so that you might know the difference between the reformed and non-reformed sects:

She expects us to recognize suffering in all her beings. She is a vegetarian. She adores her pizza with mushrooms and pineapple, but will accept any non-suffering topping. She expects us to eat upon flesh (know flesh) as she expects us to know men. She knows we are mortal, thus lust and hunger are to be expected. However, she decrees that we will not rape, neither man nor beast. Vegetarianism is divine. Welfare is acceptable. I think this passage bests sums this up. “Thou shalt know flesh as though knowest women. Thou may eat flesh, thou mayst know women, but thou shalt not cause suffering in either.” Equiness 4:42 Furthermore, She clarified that She is female. The selection towards the male dichotomy was genetically necessary when sexual reproduction began to outpace asexual reproduction under the laws of persistence and evolution. She consented to this new dichotomy, and suggested that care be taken that balance between her children always be kept. The fall of goddess worship has sometimes worried her, as do the spaghetti monster phenomenon and intelligent design (both based on male creators and equally ridiculous) but she knows that in the end the truth will prevail, and the children of the generations that have forgotten will again be eating raisin bread (to represent the expanding universe) and the holy pizza (representing nostalgic flat earth views). Regardless of what men may say, the laws of the universe are here to stay.

Furthermore, our Invisible, as the incarnate the Holy Zebra, revealed to me several of the secrets of life and reality. For years we have known that the answer to the ultimate question is 42, the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. However, she told me, in her Divine Wisdom, that Her answers are HorseShit created to make us watch where we step. Her answers are true, for She speaks only the truth, but they are of a deeper meaning that renders their surface meaning oyster balls, and the deeper meaning is of a deeper meaning that renders the original deeper meaning oyster balls, so that the only true way to understand becomes to understand oneself, so that one can understand one’s reaction and divine interpretation to Her ultimate answers. These interpretations, however, only apply to her Ultimate Answers; Her decrees, Her Commandments, Her Absolutes are to be taken absolutely.